


Almost

by the twenty-second element (titanium22)



Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: F/F, kinda angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-20
Updated: 2016-06-20
Packaged: 2018-07-16 06:22:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7255993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/titanium22/pseuds/the%20twenty-second%20element
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>just a one-shot about Beca's thoughts on graduating and moving away from Chloe </p>
<p>(unestablished)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Almost

It’ s been lingering in the back of Beca's mind for weeks  –  occasionally straying from the recesses and buzzing up to the forefront of her conscious thought. Every time she thinks she swatted it away and is on the verge of a peaceful mind though, like a nagging fly, it reappears. They’re graduating - they’re leaving - she is leaving - _Chloe_  is leaving. All of these pieces, among a pile of other issues, are bothering her, but the last one is the worst. And she can’t place, or refuses to place, exactly why this (Chloe’s leaving) bothers her so much. So she tries not to think about it for months, refuses to acknowledge it for months, has lost herself in whatever work possible for months. At first she threw herself into practical things, like working on new demos with Emily, prepping for final examinations, spending hours upon hours researching apartments closest to the studio that is, quote, 'extremely interested' in her. But then, as these things burned out and she still needed constant distraction, she’s turned to a slew of other creative "work". Like perfecting making Sammy's espresso order with her eyes closed on the first try, or proving she could eat only breakfast foods for an entire week (so long as cold pizza counted), or even making it her mission to beat every Bella and Treble in a drinking game of their choosing by time she crosses the stage for graduation. That last one was becoming a bit of a concern because she has yet to conquer Aubrey – yes, of course she still counts – and Aubrey swore to her she would give her the opportunity to take her down. Beca is beginning to think the blonde is finally going to get her back for all the snarky comments she's made over the years and challenge her the day of graduation so she has to try and stumble across the stage in heels. 

Beca tries to physically shake this thought out of her head though, because that's not what she should be thinking about. She knows she has to face reality at some point soon or it'll be detrimental to her moving on _and_ up in life. That reality has to start tonight. Now.  

**Becs xoxoxo:** m@h?  
**Chlo:** coming ;)

Beca knows Chloe will be there almost immediately. “M@h” was a call to meet at their secret spot, (because you don't have to be a kid to be cool) and actually translated to ‘meet at the hill’. The hill was less than a five minute walk from the Bella’s house. Knowing Chloe, she would be there even sooner than that. Beca sits at the top of the pavement hill, legs close to her chest, looking out. Three minutes later, Chloe is there too. 

"Hey, Bec. You okay?"

"Yeah, I just uh – I figured this was probably the last chance we'd have to meet here. We'll probably be crazy busy with practicing for Worlds after graduation, so ..." Beca looks up to meet Chloe's eyes, brimming with understanding. She worries her bottom lip and nods. 

"What's in the bag?" 

"Ah," Beca stands, patting off the back of her jeans with her hands before looping the backpack around one arm. "That is a surprise for when we actually get there."

They walk in silence, hand in hand until they reach the spot in the pavement where no houses are in sight and no streetlight touches it. It’s a rarity, and the perfect place to actually catch a glimpse of a star or two, even with the cities light pollution. They lie down in the middle of the street, like they have dozens of times before, and stare up at the sky.

 This place is special, almost sacred, for them. It’s almost as if there’s some sort of silent agreement that this spot is a safe place. Where Chloe can vent, or Beca can actually open up and it doesn’t matter. Because the conversations has always stayed right here. Anything they talk about is to never be brought up in any other place. It's like this own little world where just the two of them exist and they can be, do, whatever they want without fear of consequences. Almost like the rules do not apply here. Almost.

 

As they lay there, Beca can’t help but run through all the most important memories they have in this very spot, and as odd as it is, she’s pretty sure Chloe is right there with her, spiraling through the sequence of events too. As if they’re suddenly one mind, conversing fluently with no need for words or motions. 

 

Beca thinks about the first time they went there. It was her freshman year and Chloe was on the verge of a breakdown. Beca, only ever aware of Chloe’s emotional state and no one else’s, not even her own, wrapped her fingers around Chloe’s forearm after one particularly ruthless night of Bella’s practice and directed them towards a food cart known for their black and white milkshakes. It was a bit of a hike off campus, but neither really minded. They walked back streets until they’d found a place of total seclusion. Plopping down, Chloe had opened the flood gates for the first time. Aubrey was driving her up a wall and she was absolutely terrified of graduating, because she had no idea what she wanted to do. It was there that she had mentioned her Russian Lit exam being the only thing standing in the way of her and graduating. It was a required elective for her secondary education degree in Literature. If she didn’t pass, she’d have to spend an entire other year at Barden because the school only offered the course in the Spring semester. Beca had jokingly suggested if Chloe was really so terrified, why didn't she just flunk the exam? Now, on Chloe's fourth go-round of Russian Lit, she wonders if Chloe has taken her too seriously or if she really just sucks in comprehending Russian Literature. 

 

She remembers the next time particularly well. It was a week after they'd come back from summer break, Beca going into her sophomore year and Chloe officially taking on her second senior year. They were all moved into the Bella’s house and Chloe was unpacking the last box of non-essential kitchen items when she saw a glazed look in Beca's eyes. She simply nodded towards Beca, and they went. It was there that Chloe had asked Beca the tough questions. Questions no one else had the opportunity to ask because they didn’t even know. 

'How far along?' 'Does Jesse know?' 'Do you know what you're going to do?' 'Do you want me to come with you?'.   
  
‘Two months.’ ‘No.’ ‘I know what I have to do.’ ‘Yes.’

Chloe is still the only person that Beca ever told.  

 

Then there's the time Chloe texted her in the too-early hours of the morning, before the sun was even peaking through the trees. And of course, Beca went without question. Chloe talked, and talked, and talked. She talked about her brother Chase for the first time, talked about how he was sick and getting much worse, talked about how he probably wouldn't make it to the New Year. A few months later, they were back there, Chloe sobbing into Beca, because she was right, he hadn't made it to New Years, or Christmas, or even Thanksgiving. It was the only place she had ever cried about it, the only time she had ever talked about it, and the only time before then that Beca had initiated a hug and then didn’t let go. She just kept holding on, a shaking Chloe sat in her lap with her black dress still on. They stayed until dawn, only leaving when Chloe gave Beca a tight squeeze, dried her eyes one last time, and stood. ‘It’s time,’ she said, ‘Chase’ll be pissed if I’m not at the pier in time for sunrise to spread his ashes. He made me promise years ago.’ And that was it.

 

She remembers the much happier time over the summer with the meteor shower. They had laid there for what felt like days, gaping up at the sky in awe. Almost yelping in excitement each time they saw another burn by them. Chloe grabbed Beca's hand and told her to make a wish on the next one. Said that they’d make a wish together. Beca  had looked at her and smirked. 

‘You're kidding me, right, Beale?’ And then ‘of course you're not kidding, I must've forgotten who I was talking to. But I'm not making some stupid wish.’ She had though. She wished that Chloe wouldn't pass Russian Literature this year either. She didn’t believe wishes came true anyways. Chloe wished Beca would kiss her. She held great faith in wishing. 

Nine months later, within twelve hours of each other, both wishes came true. Chloe had come back to the Bella’s house the afternoon after her Russian Lit exam and gone straight up to Beca's room. She hadn't bothered to knock on the door; Beca had her headphones on and wouldn't hear her anyways. Instead she flopped on Beca's bed. Beca had raised a single finger, signaling Chloe to give her just a second to save her work. A minute later she closed her laptop, slipped off her headphones, and looked up at Chloe. 

‘So, how'd it go?’

Chloe didn't even look at her when she said it. 

‘Well, I'll be Bella again.’

The way she said it wasn't truly sad though, as if she never expected to pass the exam anyways, like she had already known before the test was even in front of her. Beca tried to think back to a time she saw Chloe studying her texts in the last few days, but comes up short on every count. In reality, Chloe hadn’t even shown up for the exam that year.

The fulfillment of the second wish was an accident. It was the annual end of the year bash for the Bella’s and Treble Makers and, naturally, they had both had a little too much to drink. Or at least that's what Beca thought, she hadn't actually seen Chloe take a single sip of a drink, but why wouldn't she be drinking? They were dancing by the pool in full throw of the party when Beca looked up and really caught Chloe's eyes. She suddenly filled with an ache of knowing Chloe could have been graduating in a few days, that she could have lost her best friend and had to man the group all by herself. She lurched forward and enveloped Chloe in an uncharacteristically large hug. As she retracted and slurred an 'I love you, you a ca-nerd' she reached in to kiss Chloe on the cheek. It just so happened that Chloe  had turned her head at the exact second Beca was doing this though, and Beca's lips  planted right on Chloe’s. Beca thought it was an accident. Beca must have been too distracted by the loud music thumping through her veins and alcohol clouding her brain, to have not noticed Chloe kissed her back. 

Beca felt the guilt of wanting Chloe to fail her exam. Chloe felt the guilt of wanting her best friend to “accidentally” kiss her again.

They never talked about either.

 

Beca remembers the time before this one, as they're sitting here now, right after they had returned from Aubrey’s retreat from hell. The lodge of the birds and the bees, or whatever. Chloe had promised she'd finally graduate, first around the campfire in front of everyone, and second by the lake that night to herself. She really had no reason left to stay. The Bellas, _her_ Bellas, were all leaving. Yeah, she was a bit behind on job search or graduate school applications, but she'd said at the camp that she would figure something out. Their meeting took place on a late night where the house was particularly noisy after they mutually agreed to get the hell out of there to breathe. They had gotten there and barely sat down when Beca blurted that Jesse was moving to Boston, but she was still planning on LA.

Chloe had responded with a sympathetic voice. Something along the lines of: 'Aw, Bec. I'm so sorry. You guys could try the long distance thing though. You love each other though, right? It could work out.'

Beca had sighed loudly at this before barely even whispering 'I don't think I do.' And Chloe didn't have to say anything more, she knew exactly what Beca meant and that she wouldn’t want to talk about it. So she instead filled the silence with her own news. 

'I'm applying to a program in England. Their application deadline isn't until the end of the summer. I'm just waiting on a letter of recommendation from your dad. I guess he's good friends with the head of the department I applied to. Says I'm a shoe-in.'

'Oh, wow. That's,' – _heartbreaking_ – ‘awesome. I’m proud of you, Chlo.’

 

Chloe had gotten into the program. Apparently, despite her failure in the command of Russian Literature, she was a stunning applicant. Her (six year long, though only one year approved and advised) research on the transcendental area, along with her ability to translate ancient Greek, had made that blemish all but disappear. They wanted her to not only pursue her master degree, but consider a PhD with them afterwards. It was only a year away after all. When Beca had found out two days ago, she was so proud of Chloe, absolutely ecstatic for her, but it simultaneously felt like a kick in the stomach. Realizing Chloe would be on the other side of the Atlantic in a few short months made her denial a little harder to keep up. It’s what drove her to call a final meeting to their spot.  

 

So here and now, as they're lying on the pavement, Beca's trying to soak every possible detail she can into her mind. So she can remember this memory with as much precision as the others. Because she doesn't want to forget this, this last time here with Chloe, in  _their_  spot.

She feels the warmth of Chloe's hand in hers, tracing her thumb with her own. She feels the smooth and newly paved road beneath her. The lingering smell of the asphalt from a sweltering day. The smell of Chloe's hair drifting over to her every so often. The dry taste in her own mouth. The slow and steady breaths of the woman lying beside her. The sight of her, red hair sprawled all over the place, head thrown back towards the stars. She must feel Beca staring because after more than an hour of silently reliving their memories of this spot, she finally says something.

"You never told me what was in the bag."

_Memorize the voice Beca, memorize her voice._

"Oh, right." She sits up, pulling her back pack towards her. 

"Spray paint?"

“I thought we could mark our spot.”

“Aw, Bec. That’s so cute, you do have feelings. Are we going to carve our names into a tree trunk next?” Chloe jokes.

“Cut it out or all I’ll write is ‘Chloe sucks’.” They stand and Beca shakes the can of yellow paint. “Do you want to know, or do you want it to be a surprise?”

“Surprise me!” And Chloe turns around, covering her how eyes with her hands.

“Okay, when I stop talking, you can look. I – um, I just want you to remember that even if were over five-thousand miles apart, it’s okay because – um, well you can open your eyes and see why it’s okay.

Chloe turns back around and gasps, “Oh em-aca gee. That’s perfect!”

And it’s simple, and corny, and Beca feels like she’s in one of Jesse’s cliché movies, but at the moment she really doesn’t care. Because she’s just written ‘We are titanium’ in yellow spray paint and Chloe’s looking at her like she’s hung the moon.

“Come here cornball, I want a hug!”

Beca doesn’t have to be told twice before she nearly leaps into Chloe’s arms. Talk about character development.

They return to lying in the street and staring up at the stars, though a little bit further from their usual spot to avoid the drying paint. They lie in a comfortable silence, as always, giving Beca the perfect opportunity to continue memorizing every detail. Which is probably why she can feel the shift so easily, because she’s hyper aware of Chloe’s breathing because she’s listening to it so intently. She knows that second that it changes from a relaxed breath because the gap between inhale in exhale changes. It’s no longer a natural rhythm because Chloe’s holding them in every so often, and she can hear the inhale that happens where her mouth opens and she’s going to speak. And suddenly Beca knows, she knows exactly what Chloe is going to say.

“Beca, I – ”

“Don’t.”

“What?”

This place, their spot, isn’t the foundation of their friendship, but it’s been the bricks and beams that hold it together, make it stronger, keep it from collapsing. This place is special, almost sacred. Where they can be and do almost anything without consequences. It’s almost as if the rules do not apply here. _Almost._ But sometimes almost isn’t enough.

“I know. I know you do. You know I do too. But don’t. Because we can’t.”

Beca waits for Chloe’s response, and she burns it into her memory like every other detail of the night. It’s just one small word, but one small word that’s depths Beca has never fully understood until now. It goes so deep, and is filled with so much hurt, that Beca swears she feels her own heart tear inside her chest.

“Okay.”

 

And just like that, just like every other conversation in their almost sacred spot, where they can almost say anything, where the rules almost don’t apply, it stays there. They don’t talk about it again. Because that’s the one rule that’s always stood, and can never be broken.


End file.
